Sunday, January 23, 2011

Can't Grow A Mustache? At Least Your Fridge Can.


If you can't grow it, buy it.

As you all know, mustaches are a major cornerstone of hipster culture, and the ultimate trendy accessory for skinny white men. With just the right amount of Village People sexiness and old-timey appeal, the mustache has far surpassed the skinny jean (I think) in the attainment of "I'm Cooler Than You" status. And, along with everything else hipsters find cool, it has thus inspired mountains of useless kitsch and novelty items.

Let's peruse a few gag gifts online to see just how far the insanity has gone. While some of these items are undeniably cute, they are far beyond any kind of normal, and seriously need to be condemned -- not on the side of the retailers, who clearly have a pulse on the current market, but on the side of those for whom they have been created.

It's one thing to not have an actual mustache. But to not pretend to have one? That's just bollocks! If there's anything hipsters love, it's a combination of vintage trends and materialistic throwbacks to childhood ("OMG remember those?!). The 'fingerstache' tattoos provide both.

Brilliant.







Exhibit B: Mustache Bandaids
Kind of in the "childhood throwbacks" category, but worse. While 110% of real adults do whatever they can to avoid showing their boo-boos in public, hipsters think it's cool to pretend it's 1993 again (or 1970, for that matter), and flaunt their minor injuries wherever possible. So don't try punching any skinny mustachioed guys in Williamsburg -- it might give them an excuse to wear these.



Exhibit C: Handlebar Wine Bottle Opener

A blogger who picked up on this item says it best, imagining the user on a date. "She'll be so distracted by your Handlebar Mustache Bottle Opener she'll hardly notice the label on your cheapskate $4.95 bottle of fine." If that's the case, they're a perfect pair.




'Cause even soy crisps won't stay crisp in a Williamsburg pantry full of Salvation Army clothing dust. These come in different colors for mustache diversity, so the hipsters will feel like they're celebrating the "colorful" aspect of their neighborhood.



Exhibit E: Mustache Candy

Um, these look like bats.












Exhibit F: Mustache Jumbo Magnet    



As the product description puts it, "Everything looks better with a mustache, right?"

Wrong. Very, very wrong.

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